God loves you just the way you are
... and God loves you too much to let you stay that way
A few years ago, within the span of just a few months, I had two screaming, obscenity-laden interactions with strangers.
Both incidents were during Covid times, so I think that was a factor - the world just seemed so bizarre and frightening.
One involved another dog attacking my own, and the other took place in the crosswalk of the intersection where a truck almost hit me. So there were extenuating circumstances.
But still. There’s really no excuse for my behavior.
Neither of these outbursts were in character for me. In retrospect, I’m deeply embarrassed by both. One of them was witnessed by a child, and the screaming match between myself and my neighbor caused another neighbor to bring him indoors to keep him from being traumatized (his father was trying to break us up).
Yet I will confess one thing more - in the moment, it felt good.
The first time it happened: my neighbor’s dog - off leash, again - came after mine, and I told him to get it under control. He took offense, and next thing I knew we were nose to nose.
I remember having a complete out-of-body experience. I was watching myself from above, and simultaneously thinking, ‘this is not who you are’ and ‘this feels awesome’.
The adrenaline and the venting - saying the things you wish someone would say to those who ‘deserve it’. I was letting it flow!
The second time, I was running, through a crosswalk, with the light and a walk signal, and a big pickup taking a left swung right around toward me till he was close enough to touch. I slammed his door and swore. He screeched to a halt and had at me (verbally). I did not back down till he drove away, then I paced the sidewalk, shaking. Exhilarated.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.
(Psalm 51: 3-4)
My behavior - no matter how justified or understandable - was sinful. I was certainly not loving God or my neighbor in this moment. And I was not conducting myself as a beloved child of God.
I’m not saying this to beat myself up. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m saying this to confess my sin, and understand my forgiveness.
Confession is a lost art, but it is a basic practice of Christianity.
We so easily excuse our own behavior, or the behavior of others. We so quickly say, ‘you don’t have anything to be sorry for.’
But maybe we do.
It feels to me that we’re scared to admit we may have done something wrong, because then we will be punished. Or then we will start to feel that we are bad.
But this is getting it backwards with our faith. Jesus came to forgive sinners. Jesus says, ‘nothing you do will keep me from loving you.’
Keeping our sins inside of us allows them to fester, and makes us feel farther from God. Confessing them helps us release them - and helps us really feel how much we are loved and redeemed.
This week in the ‘gym for your soul’, we’re practicing Confession…
Confession Practice 2
You are invited to find a quiet place, and to begin this Practice with the Examen…
‘Confession is good for the soul’.
It’s humbling. It’s a bit embarrassing.
We say ‘well, we’re only human’. This is so true. Being human means we’re susceptible to all manner of unloving behavior.
My own behavior may have been understandable - even defensible - under the circumstances. But it was still sinful.
I was still behaving violently towards my neighbors. I was still trying to use my personal power to harm them. I did not go so far as to be physically violent - but how much does that matter? I was hurt, and I was trying to hurt back. And relishing the feelings of vengeance.
The thing about confession - it also feels good.
Even though I worry a little about what people will think of me - what you will think of me - being able to say out loud that I know my thoughts and behaviors were sinful helps me let them go.
And assures me that I am forgiven.
These actions were not the sum of who I am. I don’t have to think, ‘if only they knew…’. Even if I feel judgment from my community, I know I am also accepted.
And I know I am already forgiven by God. The difference is, once I have confessed my sin, there is space inside my soul to feel that forgiveness. I know what I’m being forgiven for. And I feel it being wiped away.
’Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me.’
(Psalm 51: 11)
When my kids first started talking, I learned that the correct response to, "I'm sorry" isn't "It's all right." Instead, in my family we say, "I accept your apology."